Bravery and strength hurt too much . . .

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. - Christopher Robin to Pooh  Not sure why I am using this quote for my post today - maybe because I had to give away one of my dogs - which breaks my heart.  It wasn't easy - it took a while for me to find the right person- but I believe I did find the perfect person.   See Angus bit my little boop's face - now let me clarify this statement - he didn't just jump out and bite her to be cruel . . . Bella was being wild and jump on him when he was fast asleep (Bella on my big bed and Angus on the floor near my feet) - so he bit out of reaction of being landed  - which I am sure hurt and scared him - but I had to be really smart about this . . . I would love to handle all the things I have going on in my life - I would love to save all the animals and kids in the world that need saving- but I can't do it right now- in my crazy "save the abused" mind I would love to think I could someday do that - and I refuse to think otherwise . . . but now I just can't do it.  Bella's cheek is still healing - could be a scar and I can't deal with the fact that these dogs need more love and attention than they are getting right now - they need walked which I couldn't do well with just 2 dogs when the ex left the first time -  much less 3 not that he is gone for good.  But now with the two I have left - I am going to try - Bugsy is bigger but chico is small enough to carry if need be - so I will make an attempt to be a better dog parent now that I can handle it better.  So as I cry tonight- and watched my daughter cry last night (until I soothed her with the idea that we could visit Angus whenever which is what the new owner really did say) - I am smarter perhaps - but not too brave or strong right now.   I keep thinking of the first day I met Angus and brought him home- and how much I love him to this day.   But now he will be the only dog in the house and it is a house with a big backyard - so he will be the king and he so deserves to be the king.   And I vow to be better at making the two dogs I still have and love feel more like royalty.   I am braver, stronger and smarter everyday - but somedays I just don't feel that way . . .

Perfect Endings or how about just perfect journey . . .

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
                                                                              Gilda Radner

Isn't this a perfect quote . . . so it has been a while since I wrote and a lot has changed - and my life has been about "not knowing and having to change" - I am single mom now and raising my darling boop to the best of my ability on my own.   I am taking every moment and making the best of it - not knowing what will happen next. 

And now once again, I have to figure out what I want to do with my life.   I need to decide if I want to do a residency in radiology or in internal med (which I can specialize in other fields) or something else  - it is all very stressful for someone who likes life to just fall into place.  I hate this part - I want God to put a big sign that says "This is the way - go here" and maybe he is but I am not seeing it.  (sigh) 

Back to the quote - You know I never got poetry  - my mother, brother and sister love poetry - but I didn't get it . . . if it doesn't rhyme - is it poetic?  I think most of it was too deep for me - I am very simple believe it or not.  That is what makes me happy - simple.  I don't want to think too much or too deep.  I don't want to contemplate, rearrange, and rebuild.  I look complicated - maybe even seem complicated -but I am very simple.   If it is good, do it.  If it helps someone, even better.   I found if I can help someone - I help myself too.   I have always gotten so much pleasure out of making someone else happy.  It is a simple idea that works for me most of the time.   However some people don't help themselves, so helping them is an endless, tiresome task - a wild pony that sometimes you just have to let go, jump off that carousel, and walk away.    My problem is I keep finding wild ponies - I am a wild pony.  

Ok - I must go and do what I do not like to do and that is contemplate my life . . . which residency to do, where to go . . . but please no ropes, no reins, no saddles . .  .