Food . . . a necessary evil

I am a very picky eater so I cannot get frustrated when my daughter refuses to eat . . . pretty much anything. It is crazy because she will eat most of the things I ate while I was pregnant. But I had gestational diabetes which further limited my picky-eating choices. For instance Bacos - I love Baco's - not real bacon bits - but the fake ones - the unhealthy ones. But I love them on salad with cheese and ranch (I will get into the cheese and ranch another time -but let's say there are specifications for those as well) So Charles accidentally got the bits - no - hate the bits- they have to be the CHIPS!!! Don't ask. You are talking about the girl who would get pizza flavored combos - eat the pretzel outside of the cheesy inside and her boyfriend would take what was left to work to have with his lunch . . .and he put up with much harassment which didn't bother him in the least. I did have some good boyfriends. About the combos -no - I did not want plain pretzels - I wanted the combo pizza flavored ones and nothing else would suffice. I actually went thru a phase of eating only rice from a chinese food restaurant - with kikomann and sweet and sour sauce that only one restaurant made the way I liked it. No not rice someone made at home and no other kinds of sauce would do - it had to be the rice in the cute little orgami chinese food take out bin - steamed to perfection. Or should I tell you about the period where I only ate pita bread and salsa . . . even took it to Germany since I was sure they would not have the kind I liked there . . . and they didn't - so I basically starved once my stash was used up.

I could go on . . . but I will spare you all any more crazy details . . . as for the quote of the day . . .

"In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock."
– Thomas Jefferson

I love this - and so agree - however I have to say observe the current and create your own style. And may I add - in matters of personal crazy habits - definitley stand like a rock . . . don't ever feel your uniqueness requires explaining. And bend or change only if your bored with your current style (or staple) . . . that's what makes the world delicious and all of us our special concoction.

The poem that didn't rhyme . . .

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Gilda Radner

I love this quote - I believe this is what makes the perfect ending . . . the not knowing . . . the unexpected. I said before I do not like to answer that stupid STUPID question that you always hear in interview . . ."Where do you see yourself in five years?" I don't know and I don't want to know. I want to make the most of today. There is no "clear path" and that is what makes life so great - so exciting!!! My poem certainly did not rhyme - but its rhythm is what makes me - and it flows . . . it works . . . it is God's masterpiece and I love every minute of it - each heartbreak, each denial, each new beginning, each twist and turn - has led me to where I am today. I can't wait to see where God leads me tomorrow. I love not rhyming . . . Ain't life grand!!!!!

The bigger picture

A man who has never lost himself in a cause bigger than
himself has missed one of life's mountaintop experiences. Only
in losing himself does he find himself. Only then does he
discover all the latent strengths he never knew he had and
which otherwise would have remained dormant."

-- Richard Nixon

Ok I don't know about all the bad things that Richard Nixon did nor do I want to know - but may I say let he who lives in a glass house cast the first stone. I like him - I don't care if that is politically incorrect - tough tahoooties . . . . Anyway what a fantastic quote. This is why I am in pursuit of becoming a doctor, I want to lose myself into a cause bigger than myself. I truly want to do more tho - I want to help all the abused children and animals . . . That feeling gets stronger and stronger each day. I have to do that - it eats at me - it is a goal that I need to fulfill. And I will one day . . . for all those innocents babies that need me . . . and for the pull that God keeps alive in me.

If I cannot change the world, perhaps I can change one corner of the world. If I cannot help everyone, perhaps I can help someone and that someone can help everyone. I want to make a difference and not for fortune and fame - but for those people who need someone to stand for them, to cheer for them, to truly love them and to lift them out of their despair . . . to a world that is better than they could ever imagine or dream . . . a world of happiness, kindness, and charity, a world filled with love that they can pass on to others.

"I believe in the sun even when it isn't shining,
I believe in love even when I am alone,
And I believe in God even when He is silent.

Well we're moving on up . . .

About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

-Herbert Hoover

I think I would have loved knowing Herbert Hoover. Anywho - we are definitely in the process of moving. I switched over all the utilities now - so I will be more in debt than ever. After graduate school, med school, my awesome baby girl, and hell life in general - I just have to deal with the fact that my debt is and will be an astronomical figure - reaching the likes of the national debt - ok maybe not that bad - but I am only one man (or woman) One of my favorite quotes which I made up I like to add - is "you can't take it with you so you might as well owe on it." Well I guess I am making that my living motto.

"I am sore wounded but not slain
I will lay me down and bleed a while
And then rise up to fight again"

I guess this quote is more appropriate for the fates of all of my relationships - but I love this quote so . . . hence I will use it for my financial state as well.

Patience . . .

"When you encounter difficulties and contradictions, do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time."
– St. Francis De Sales

Bella has an extremely sensitive stomach - or should I rather say - Bella is extremely sensitive. She gets car sick easily, if she cries too hard she will regurgitate, etc. So it takes much patience to deal with our little angel when she is doing something that one disagrees with . . . if only her father would have more patience with her. I don't know if that just comes with age . . . or personality. He FLIPS on her and like tonight - she gets very upset and ends up throwing up. It really REALLY ticks me off, but I have learned to keep my mouth shut . . . it is not worth him carrying on and her getting more upset. It's funny . . . In all of my relationships, when it is worth it to me - I fight - like there is no tomorrow . . .but when I am getting to the point where it really isn't worth it - I don't anymore . . . I just fade away . . . they never get it until I am gone either - which is classic to me . . . how could one be so clueless . . . or how could many be so clueless . . . they push and push me . . . until they can no longer reach me. Sad but true. So the question is am I bending with time - my patience being more resilient and my strength more true and my gentleness more of a virtue or am I (and another relationship) just fading away. . .

Happiness . . .

Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention

-Greg Anderson

Yes indeed - well said Greg. Dr. Chavez asked me today to rate my happiness on a scale of 1-10. May I always answer 10 - even in the darkest, dreariest of days I want to answer 10. As the quote says - it is where we focus our attention. If we focus on what was lost, or a momentary failure, or a miserable happenstance . . . then we will not be happy. But if we count our blessings, focus on all the good in our lives, then I am surely blessed and extremely happiness. Happiness is a mindset. What is that awesome quote - you are only as happy as you make up your mind to be . . .

That being said . . . I am ecstatic.

Making the most of my life . . .

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in
fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit
my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less
afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it
becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my
significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me
as blossom, goes on as fruit."

-- Dawna Markova

I don't know if I already quoted this fantastic quote before- but it bears repeating . . . repeatedly. I so want to live this kind of life - to "inhabit my days" - to "risk my significance" - "to go on as a fruit" - TO LIVE truly live each day realizing that you have to get the most of out that day because that is all we have is the moment - to be afraid of trying new things but still trying them - and to pass something of meaning - the fruit- on to the next generation. I was never one to have goals- they seem limiting to me for some reason - maybe it was my fear of actually reaching them (or should I say the fear of not reaching them) or more likely it was the idea that if I put something like a goal in words - I was STUCK - I had to accomplish that - and I didn't want to have to commit to anything - I want to be able to change my mind. Yes if you actually knew me - this would explain a lot.

Anyway have I mentioned how beautiful my parent's are - truly wonderful people - I couldn't do half the things I did if I didn't have their support - and not just financially - I hope I am their fruit - I hope that what I can pass on will make them proud. Secretly that has been one of my goals and one that I can commit too (possibly the only one)

Unforgettable . . .

You know one of my greatest wants in my life is to be unforgettable to someone. You know the song by Nat King Cole - I feel like that is one of the greatest love songs ever . . . the words perfectly describe a true love- that could be for two soul mates or parent and child or best friends - it is such a great love song . . . I love to think of this song for father and daughter and now for mother and daughter . . .

Unforgettable, that's what you are
Unforgettablethough near or far
Like a song of love that clings to me
How the thought of you does things to me
Never before has someone been more

Unforgettable in every way
And forever more, that's how you'll stay
That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too



Unforgettable in every way
And forever more, that's how you'll stay
That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too

Anyway today I was asked to go back in and help the people from that summer "camp" that I volunteered at and do some data entry etc. I was thrilled that they asked Sreyah and I back (and no one else) - I mean I love that they thought that much of us they asked us to help. So one of our jobs was to look at all the evaluation sheets and tally them up as well as highlight good and bad comments. Well I was lucky enough to see what my "kids" wrote about me and how wonderful that I influenced these kids - even just for one week of their lives. That gives me chills - the wonderful things they wrote - it was awesome to get a sneak peak into how they really felt. And what is crazy is that Sreyah and I were just being ourselves - - we weren't trying to win anyone over or be better than anyone . . .and our group was the only one who got flowers, a cookie, and MADE a card for Sreyah and I. It is a beautiful thing. That is one thing that really cool to me . . . I am just me . . . I may wear too much make up or fix my hair too much or whatever - but I do it for me - not to impress anyone - just because it makes me feel good. And I help people and volunteer and want to be a doctor just for the fact that I can maybe help someone else, motivate someone else, cure someone else, make someone else' life better - that drives me. I want to make a difference - I don't need to make a million dollars and I don't need to go down in history . . . I just want to help as many people as I can. And it's crazy because the more I focus on that - the more I find people are drawn to me . . .not because I want the attention - but because I am me . . . so I found this quote quite appealing today . . . .

“The less you try to impress, the more impressive you are.” -Denis Waitley

I don't want to try to impress . . . but to be impressive to others . . . not a bad thing if it just happens on your way to making a difference in the world or at least making a difference to someone. Lord I may not be able to help everyone, but if I can help some one that could mean all the difference in the world . . . perhaps that one person you sent me to save - can save the rest. And I would love that . . .

Forever Young . . .

"Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old." -- Franz Kafka

You know God has blessed me in so many ways . . . Of course Bella is the greatest of all my blessings. But also in keeping me feeling, acting, and in some respects looking young. But most of all, it is the things that He gives us to glance at, experience, and enjoy each day that keeps us young - the beauty around us that we so often take for granted. The laughter of child, the unconditional love of a pet, the gorgeous flowers and plants especially the ones Arizona has to offer, the brilliant sky above with the moon and stars twinkling like a silent gift which is unveiled to us each night whether or not we appreciate it; the warmth of a strong, solid, gripping hug from a friend or a child, the innocence of youth, the kinds words of a loved one . . . I could go on. Beauty is everywhere . . . it is a relationship when there is an eye-opening experience where one party realizes how much the other party would give to be with that person . . . how much they would sacrifice . . . and not even consider it a sacrifice. Beauty is my little girl yelling "Ma-ma" right now and Charles telling me that everyday he wants to do something to make me love him more. Beauty is love . . . and it is all around us. Thank you God.

Why do we have to mature . . .

Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it, and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even. I am mature as far as this definition is concerned. I actually truly like this definition, but don't necessarily like the idea of being mature. In the respect of working hard, saving a little money, and not getting even, I want to be mature. But in the respect of remaining childlike, playing with my daughter - whether it be running down the street, squatting in the middle of the sidewalk to look at something, singing her favorite song in the grocery store, answering her "Bella talk" while walking down the aisles of a store - having our own conversation no one can understand, dancing with her at night, just enjoying every moment of our time together . . . no I never want to grow up. I want to forever be childlike in that manner. Speaking of which . . . I must go play with my daughter who is pulling at my hand at this very moment (making it quite impossible to type) . . . as said best in this quote . . . Make a memory with your children, Take the time in busy days; Have some fun while they are growing, Show your love in gentle ways. - Elaine Hardt

Wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying . . .

Planning and scheming . . .

Be careful what you set your heart upon - for it will surely be yours.

I just read this quote and love it - it is SO true . . . good or bad. If you truly want something, it shall be yours - but be careful what you wish for . . . I always felt I have gotten everything I wanted - and if I didn't get it - I didn't want it. I truly have come across instances where I have Thanked God for unanswered prayers (nice one Garth). But I have also been smacked in the face with what I wanted to have so bad. No not medical school - that is one of my greatest and favorite achievements of all time. And certainly not my Bella- that is truly my greatest achievement. But other things in life . . . yes. Let's just leave it at that for the moment . . .

AHHHHH Summer . . . but Oh those summer nights . . .

“The summer night is like a perfection of thought. ” ― Wallace Stevens

I love summer - I always have - to me it signifies childhood and beauty and warmth and love . . . I don't know why but ever since summer vacations from school - I have always loved summer- especially summer nights. Maybe even before I was in school - when I lived in Hawaii and experience warm beautiful sunsets and nights. When I was young, we played night tag, we ate ice cream, we swam, played, just had FUN - and the sky - I always loved the summer night's sky -the stars, moon, warm, clean, fresh summer night air . . . Then when I got older - summer nights were for hanging out with friends, dates, cruising the strip, and yet still the summer night sky -with it's mysterious stars, moon, and the awesome summer warmth. Even now every night we take Bella for a walk with the dogs . . . and I am lucky enough to live in Arizona so all year around it is like a summer fest - and our night walks - the warmth, the stars, the moon, the deep blue of the night sky and now the palm trees shadowing the moonlight - wow how awesome . . . I would say it makes me feel young again - but luckily I have never lost that feeling of youth . . . Thank God for summer nights . . . or should I say . . . Thank God for every night in Arizona . . .

Looking for a new home . . .

So I am now looking to move from our apartment to a rental home in the area - so my days are a little more hectic than usual. I have figured out that in my current relationship - I have an overgrown child. I need to do everything in order to make sure it gets done. He cooks for me and I have very few things that I really eat at the moment since money is so tight - and you would think he is cooking for the president - that this job is the most stressful of all jobs. He cleans when he feels like it - that helps me - but that is where it ends. He plays video games, poker, has friends over, eats like an elephant, can't be asked to more because it stresses him out. Men - do they get that the stronger the women become the less we need them - that's his big thing in an argument that I don't need him - I don't. You may think I am writing this is anger - but I am truly not - just enjoying my morning tea - realizing in all my relationships I have found that each man has had various qualities that were appealing and others that were OH SO NOT appealing. The question is - which one can I live with. Needless to say - - That is the question. Recently he actually has done some things that risked my career - which should be a bit hint that I need to get out. These things also could affect his daughter . . . But I see a little boy, that should know better but doesn't. Everyone always gave up on him and it would be oh so easy to do . . . so the question is will he change? become better? The only relationships I am in anymore is if they do something for me - because I can do it alone - maybe not as easily - but I can. So if you don't benefit me - then you are out. So is he a benefit? Is he making my life better or easier? There was a great idea I read about relationships years ago - relationships need to be like a man and his garden. The man puts lots of effort into making his garden grow, he weeds, waters, cares for his garden and in return the garden will give him the fruits and vegetables of his labors. So am I getting fruits and vegetables? I think with all my stress God is preparing me for something - emergency brain surgery? I am not sure . . .

So my quote of the day I completely agree with. . . .

“You can do anything you wish to do, have anything you wish to have, be anything you wish to be.” -Robert Collier

It is just answering these questions where we get hung up . . . I am doing what I wish - but do I have what I want? Happy Monday . . .