Miranda Lambert - Vice (Audio)

Miranda Lambert - Vice (Audio)

Bravery and strength hurt too much . . .

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. - Christopher Robin to Pooh  Not sure why I am using this quote for my post today - maybe because I had to give away one of my dogs - which breaks my heart.  It wasn't easy - it took a while for me to find the right person- but I believe I did find the perfect person.   See Angus bit my little boop's face - now let me clarify this statement - he didn't just jump out and bite her to be cruel . . . Bella was being wild and jump on him when he was fast asleep (Bella on my big bed and Angus on the floor near my feet) - so he bit out of reaction of being landed  - which I am sure hurt and scared him - but I had to be really smart about this . . . I would love to handle all the things I have going on in my life - I would love to save all the animals and kids in the world that need saving- but I can't do it right now- in my crazy "save the abused" mind I would love to think I could someday do that - and I refuse to think otherwise . . . but now I just can't do it.  Bella's cheek is still healing - could be a scar and I can't deal with the fact that these dogs need more love and attention than they are getting right now - they need walked which I couldn't do well with just 2 dogs when the ex left the first time -  much less 3 not that he is gone for good.  But now with the two I have left - I am going to try - Bugsy is bigger but chico is small enough to carry if need be - so I will make an attempt to be a better dog parent now that I can handle it better.  So as I cry tonight- and watched my daughter cry last night (until I soothed her with the idea that we could visit Angus whenever which is what the new owner really did say) - I am smarter perhaps - but not too brave or strong right now.   I keep thinking of the first day I met Angus and brought him home- and how much I love him to this day.   But now he will be the only dog in the house and it is a house with a big backyard - so he will be the king and he so deserves to be the king.   And I vow to be better at making the two dogs I still have and love feel more like royalty.   I am braver, stronger and smarter everyday - but somedays I just don't feel that way . . .

Perfect Endings or how about just perfect journey . . .

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
                                                                              Gilda Radner

Isn't this a perfect quote . . . so it has been a while since I wrote and a lot has changed - and my life has been about "not knowing and having to change" - I am single mom now and raising my darling boop to the best of my ability on my own.   I am taking every moment and making the best of it - not knowing what will happen next. 

And now once again, I have to figure out what I want to do with my life.   I need to decide if I want to do a residency in radiology or in internal med (which I can specialize in other fields) or something else  - it is all very stressful for someone who likes life to just fall into place.  I hate this part - I want God to put a big sign that says "This is the way - go here" and maybe he is but I am not seeing it.  (sigh) 

Back to the quote - You know I never got poetry  - my mother, brother and sister love poetry - but I didn't get it . . . if it doesn't rhyme - is it poetic?  I think most of it was too deep for me - I am very simple believe it or not.  That is what makes me happy - simple.  I don't want to think too much or too deep.  I don't want to contemplate, rearrange, and rebuild.  I look complicated - maybe even seem complicated -but I am very simple.   If it is good, do it.  If it helps someone, even better.   I found if I can help someone - I help myself too.   I have always gotten so much pleasure out of making someone else happy.  It is a simple idea that works for me most of the time.   However some people don't help themselves, so helping them is an endless, tiresome task - a wild pony that sometimes you just have to let go, jump off that carousel, and walk away.    My problem is I keep finding wild ponies - I am a wild pony.  

Ok - I must go and do what I do not like to do and that is contemplate my life . . . which residency to do, where to go . . . but please no ropes, no reins, no saddles . .  .

to be or not to be - I'll take not . . .

We all want to be famous people, and the moment we want to be something we are no longer free. - Jiddu Krishnamurti Isn't this the truth . . . I don't want to be famous - I just want to make a difference - but I guess that could be a version of being famous- I prefer the quiet unknown fame - the kind that is like the wind - the summer breeze - someone realizes that something was there - just a light airy feeling of goodness - that something just happened and it was awesome - but they can't pinpoint exactly what happened. Like the bible says- I don't want my reward to be here on earth . . . I keep saying I wish I was strong enough to help the abused - the animals, kids, the innocent or maybe even the not so innocent - but the hurt, abused, alone, despairing - why can't I be strong enough - I am a wuss when it comes to that - I guess I wish I could help by saving them all - taking them out of their situations and giving them a loving and happy place to live and prosper - but that is a dream as well - even if I could provide that - would they come? How sad it all is . . . how brutal reality can be - but please God let that not stop me - let me not be weak - let me make a difference - let me be that summer breeze . . . "I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody." – Lily Tomlin

Happiness . . .

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

- Allan K. Chalmers

I have been horrible at writing lately - but such is the life a med student . . . WOW what a WONDERFUL quarter I had . . . NO I didn't ace all my classes- but it was successful in terms of the Derm Club, the Radiology Club . . . making perfect friends (like my new bestie Heidi who is AWESOME!) Mama Rhonda coming to visit her Miss Bella and we all went to a rodeo - sigh - how I miss the country life some days. Making FANTASTIC connections - including getting to be involved with a new procedure my mentor Dr. Goldstein came up with and the doctor he works with - both of which are just amazing people. I wrote today because I made a new friend yesterday at the Shun the Sun event that DIG was involved with at pre-dawn - yes that would be 4:30 AM Heidi and I ventured to Mesa. She has her own blog and she is just beautiful. So I was urged to write - OHHH and the best thing of all . . . I found a fabulous church that I just love - more than any other I have ever been and that is really saying something because I enjoy most churches. The pastor was phenomenal and the friend I met there was another fabulous person. My daughter is just perfect -chatting and FUN!!! I started running again - but that won't last long - I will be better after boards - that is just something I am trying to keep up with cuz I love it so - and the house is perfect - I can walk to school - there are trails I can run on - the dogs and Bella love their yard. Yes I am definitely blessed. I have so much to do, so much to love, and my hopes and dreams are endless. . . Thank you God!

SWIM!!!

"If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it." I'm a swimmin' . . . . it's been midterms week and still have one more to go . . . be back as soon as my mind returns . . .